the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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