This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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