Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
