My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He felt like a one man threesome
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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