And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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