Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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