You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
