the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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