I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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