He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
