apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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