Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
