And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
