I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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