I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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