Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
