And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
