the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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