I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
