It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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