she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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