I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
