last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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