im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I AM VODKA MAN
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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