I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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