i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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