I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
