I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
