so explain again why im purple
no
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize