There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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