Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
