he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
