It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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