youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
