sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She tied me up with her honor cords...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
