if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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