he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I did not marry a roomba.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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