HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
