As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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