I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
