so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
