I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
