I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
