On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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