I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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