Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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