Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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