i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
