I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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