The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
