awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
