I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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