Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
