i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
