Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
