lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The power of my boobs compel you
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
