You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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