I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
