Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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