tell your sister to shave her snatch
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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