I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
