and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
