I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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