just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
