everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
